space.

space can mean many things really.

outer space.

breathing space.

matter takes up space.

architectural space.

writing space.

...

the list goes on.

sometimes i think and i wonder.

sometimes i long for things i don't have.

not so much of physical things, material things.

but the emotional kind.

i wonder really.

if such emotions are real.

whether i'm not the only one.

it's the kind of yearning for something that you know you don't get or won't get because of really simple obvious reasons.

and the yearning results in a deep sadness because such things just happen. you can't just go get it when you want it.

well.. i guess you can get it if you want... but that's not the sort i want. neither am i that sort.

i long for a touch.

i long for a hug.

i long for your time.

i guess u 2 might come here...

agenda was simple. i wanted u 2 to reconcile n patch up. coz its over such a dumb misunderstanding.

but i guess it was dumb of me. to think i could paint a fantasy disney world in the tiny brain of mine. to think that u 2 love each other like i love the 2 of u. to think i would have such a power to undo what was never done.

i hope u see what i see in u 2. dont u remember the times we were all together having fun... chattering n laughing? dont u see the 2 of u in those smiling pictures u once shared? or we once shared?
i see a friendship which was once was. but might never ever be again.. because of nothing. or mayb even coz of me.

oh y did i even think i could do it? y did i ever tried? ultimately.. y did i even bother? because i dont see how a friendship as such could go this way. plus its over i dont know what. n i cant seem to put it in the right light... why we can never go out together like before

im sorry. for even thinking or trying.
now im a sorry prick. crying over the lost of u 2.
i hate myself.

girls r really such bitter animals. we spit venom, claw at each other, pull each others' hair n we will never forget.

now if u muz scream shout n spit venom at each other.. i hope u kill me 1st.
the 2 years of torture.. i cant bear to continue onlooking like nth has happened. now if it muz go on worst than the past.....
really.. kill me 1st. n i thank u for doing so.
coz i dont think i can go on going out with the either of u n thinking y the other is missing from the picture. i nv had a peace of mind when i went out with the either of u. if i go out w A.. i'll think if only B was here as well.. like it used to be.. n when i go out with B.. i'll think y aint A here to add in to the our cheer.. like it used to be..

i think i juz lost 2 of my bestest friends. i think they hate me now.

call me a dreamer. a girl who lives in a fantasy disney world of her own..

now.. i really had such a wonderful time with the 2 of u yest n today.. n i cant believe those days r gone...
i wished i blogged 1st how i loved yesterday n today.. going out with u n u.. w/o thinking bout tuition..
but i guess.. like u cant turn back wad happened between the 2 of u.. i cant turn back wad i tried n did.

now.. i'll look back n say.. "what a pity.. i tried. n i gave up. so long..."




Lord...
pls do mend my broken soul n theirs.
open their hearts..
bring it back to what it once was..
i love u.
i hope u love each other too.

i've got a personal mission. i feel encouraged.

but other than that...
i've got my 2nd thots of tuition.
AHHH! how could that be??

emo emo emo.
after tuition today.

of coz i love giving tuition.
of coz i enjoy having tuition.
of coz i love my tutees.
of coz i wanna give them tuition.

then why the 2nd thots?
why the sadness? sorrow? confusion?

"school is starting right?" [mum of student]
"yeah. n when sch starts i cant teach u anymore."
*looks abit shocked*
"oh. the coordinator will help u find another tutor. dun worry"
"huh. but she likes u"
*abit taken aback*
"u sure u cant continue?"

i saw the sadness in her eyes.
the disappointment.

AHH.
y muz it b this way?

while it makes me glad that im loved.
it sent a piercing stab into my heart.
im leaving them. abandoning them?
man. it hurts.
its not time yet...

but still...

when the time comes.
how???
n it'll b one after the other.
all at 1 go.
can i leave them juz like that?

God. wont u teach me?
to not get so emotionally attached?
to not b so loving?

hahx. now that sounds quite retarded.

but well.
i cant have the best of both worlds right?
life is full of choices.
and... theres that chinese saying...
shi shang wu bu san zi yan xi.

Lord. [for real now. haha..]
teach me.
how.
how to make decisions.
how to accept things.
how to not feel so bitter inside.
i pray that for those i cant continue coz of distance n time...
that they'll get much better tutors than me.
who can help them improve.
plus be a friend to them at the same time.

u'll definitely always be in my heart. in my prayers.

cant stand it anymore.
sorry if this is gonna stress u if u read..
but i need juz somewhere to vent.

i enjoy teaching.
i really do.
tho it gets me up n down sometimes..
i still find the rewards satisfying.
but i know i definitely cant take it on full time/long term.

ok.
actually thats irrelevant. hahx.

wad i wanna say is...

im such an emo girl! ahhh..
im so emotionally attached.

after finishing the 10 lessons in the sch.
i realised i was really sad deep down inside.
tho happy it finished..
part of me yearns to continue still.
tmr.. yet another 10 lessons end.

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.
i leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye, goodbye.


another is...
dunno how to put it. only know...
i feel so helpless and useless when it happens...
feels like its my fault? my inability to help.
it hurts me, pains me and breaks my heart.
to see dat im unable to make this poor soul feel better, improve n gain confidence.
to see efforts but nth back in return.
to see spirits dampened, broken, shattered.

i think i try i ponder i analyse.
but i dont know what i can do!
nth helps.
tell me what to say.
give me the words.
words of encouragement to juz lift his spirits.
to bring him back to himself.

deep in thoughts...
i find a way. i think of ways.
i think of why. find out why.
what to do. how to go about it.
whats the plan now?!

just like what my friend told me..

in the heart of a teacher...

even if the whole class is able to give u distinctions except one student.. ultimately its still that one student which matters.

thinking... y issit that i cant seem to help him? all but that one? why.

deep down inside my heart cries for u.
silly.
i even shed tears.

anyhows..
juz wanna say..
tho i dont know how.
neither can i say i understand how u feel...
coz i know i can nv do so entirely.
i still wanna tell you...
i'll be there for you.
i'll support you.
ultimately... i believe in God.
may He be your pillar of strength.
have faith. be strong. you can do it!

y cant anyone understand i aint in a v good mood today?
cant u see im juz throwing tantrums n venting anger n getting agitated / irritated like super easily?
cant u see im like pms-ing [tho i dont like 99.99% of the time]?

it sucks totally.
im a horrible girl.
flaring up at juz bout anyone who tries to talk to me.
hate it la.
sigggh.
now stay away for safety reasons.
n also so that i wun hurt after dat.

i muz go to bed now b4 anything else happens...
but the situation doesnt allow me to do so...
sigh

it seems like 3 isnt enuff huh.

bcoz i cant anyhow vent my anger on anyone..
bcoz i cant randomly scream/shout..
bcoz i dunno y im getting irritated at everything now..

esp when i need to know how to get to places n streetdirectory has to fail me like dunno how long liao... n sbs doesnt provide map coz its relying on streetdirectory... finding directions is killing me. together w the other things that happened.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

dats y blogs r good.
*heaves*

i dont know whats wrong with me now..
juz feel so tired. so wired up. so tied up. bundled up. wrenched. strangled. n juz pure tiredness.

issit juz me coz soon its the time of month...
or really.. i need to TAKE A BREAK. not juz kitkat. or even my yogurt. can comfort me now.
i feel real emo. really really really down.

its like everything is drained out of me. pulled out of me. sucked out of me.
rushing from place to place. here to there. there to here. doing this for company. for aha. for cc. for 1 5 4 1 1. for him her whoever.
but not myself.

i feel like crying.
but no.

i feel like screaming.
but no.

i feel like shouting. no.
feel like running. no.
cycling. no.
rah-ing. no.

finished the day's work.
walking home.
plugging in.
i stare.
feel frustrated. tired. confused. troubled.
nothing i felt this morn.
gladness of the morning.
buried by thoughts. troubles. problems. confusion. tiredness.
i wonder y.
pushing my hair back.
i breathe in. n then out.
closing my eyes.
holding my breath..
i walk on.
heaving out.
walking on.
wonders thinks ponders.

heavy laden.
nothing seemed right today.
wrong.
the C in me objects. rejects. cant stand it.
all wrong.

what am i doing in my life?

i wonder...
y do i do this?

rushing off.
busying myself.

what bout me?
i didnt leave myself time for myself.
i need to zi bi.
give myself time.
be alone.
quieten my heart. my soul. my spirit.
talk to my inner self. listen to Him n myself.
its supposed to b 0% myself n 100% Him.
but its 0% myself 0% Him 99.99% others 0.01% dunno what.

troubled by it.
by myself.
where m i?
lost in the midst of what? i don't know.

i think. i ponder. i feel...
i calm myself down..
but theres still work waiting for me.
n then the routine starts over...

i shd finish up everything..
n then take a break. away from everyone.
towards me myself i n God.

2 sides now.
to let it all up or to continue to bottle it up.
i wanna cry it all out.
but it kinda seems rather retarded. ok not actually.
but i dunno wads stopping me.
the numbness i feel?

what m i to do?

n im not feeling a tinge of tiredness.

wish theres someone to talk.
but who.
n what to talk actually.
sigh.
to bed i guess.
my secret hiding place...

sth really unexpected happened today.
stunned when i heard it.
total disbelief.
thot i heard wrongly.
but no i did not.
thot i heard her say 'think so'.
mayb she did. mayb not.
but the fact still lies the same.
dunno wad to say. dunno wad to reply to the person on the phone.
was rushing off to school.
THANK GOD i was.
didnt know wad to say then.

on the way..
thots kept flooding.
remb i said i'll call back. so i did.
reconfirmed. still the same.
still in shock.

wanted to talk to someone.
thot bout work.
school. n tuition after that.
tmr school n tuition too.
decided to msg. coz i didnt think i could say it out.
thot bout who. decided on someone not working.
didnt wanna disrupt their work.
tried to msg the fact...
but got stuck on it.
couldnt bear to finish the sentence..
n decided on a vague one.
got a reply said we could talk.
talk is good i thot... i need someone to perk me up..
coz i need to teach still.
tried to say. kinda broke it out. all so quickly.
choked on wad i said.
total lost for words.
same to the listener.
awkward silences as i fought the thot, the tears away.
i know there were ppl all around looking at my weird behaviour.
couldnt b bothered. coz all i could think of was wad happened not too long ago.
ended the call which we didnt say anything much.

mrt ride. bus ride. walk.
things seemed to go by.. with my frozen daze.
lesson started.
i went on smoothly. occupying my mind with wad i had to say to the kids.
everthing seemed fine.
coz my mind was filled with how to explain. what next.

lesson ended.
there was i again. closing myself up.
sitting in a daze. going about in a daze. on the bus. not talking. staring.
my heart heavy. laden. stoned.
felt nothing.
then pain.
n tears.
but i stopped it.
n stared somemore.

tuition.
was great.
she juz brought smiles to the day again.
her adorable cute smile.
adorable counting. trying. pouting. smiling. laughing. talk.
it juz made my day.
tho while waiting for her answers...
things did prick my mind...
but i made up my mind. with the Lord's strength n power. i'll put my heart into teaching her.
coz it juz brought joy to me. laughter. and smiles to my face.

ending tuition was kinda sad.
coz i needed her innocence. plus cheer. to keep me in a right state of mind.
but of coz. that would not last.

bus ride home.
long quiet lonely. solemn.

Thank God.
He got it all planned for me somehow.
school cancelled tmr.
same for tuition.
amazing or coincidence. u decide.
i say His plan.
He knows my heart. my thoughts. my prayers.
He heard me. n will continue to do so.
THANK YOU LORD.

altho i dunno y this happened.
wish it never did.
but there are no undos in life.


planned to post about so many other stuff.. but guess its all so different right now.