i've got a personal mission. i feel encouraged.

but other than that...
i've got my 2nd thots of tuition.
AHHH! how could that be??

emo emo emo.
after tuition today.

of coz i love giving tuition.
of coz i enjoy having tuition.
of coz i love my tutees.
of coz i wanna give them tuition.

then why the 2nd thots?
why the sadness? sorrow? confusion?

"school is starting right?" [mum of student]
"yeah. n when sch starts i cant teach u anymore."
*looks abit shocked*
"oh. the coordinator will help u find another tutor. dun worry"
"huh. but she likes u"
*abit taken aback*
"u sure u cant continue?"

i saw the sadness in her eyes.
the disappointment.

AHH.
y muz it b this way?

while it makes me glad that im loved.
it sent a piercing stab into my heart.
im leaving them. abandoning them?
man. it hurts.
its not time yet...

but still...

when the time comes.
how???
n it'll b one after the other.
all at 1 go.
can i leave them juz like that?

God. wont u teach me?
to not get so emotionally attached?
to not b so loving?

hahx. now that sounds quite retarded.

but well.
i cant have the best of both worlds right?
life is full of choices.
and... theres that chinese saying...
shi shang wu bu san zi yan xi.

Lord. [for real now. haha..]
teach me.
how.
how to make decisions.
how to accept things.
how to not feel so bitter inside.
i pray that for those i cant continue coz of distance n time...
that they'll get much better tutors than me.
who can help them improve.
plus be a friend to them at the same time.

u'll definitely always be in my heart. in my prayers.

cant stand it anymore.
sorry if this is gonna stress u if u read..
but i need juz somewhere to vent.

i enjoy teaching.
i really do.
tho it gets me up n down sometimes..
i still find the rewards satisfying.
but i know i definitely cant take it on full time/long term.

ok.
actually thats irrelevant. hahx.

wad i wanna say is...

im such an emo girl! ahhh..
im so emotionally attached.

after finishing the 10 lessons in the sch.
i realised i was really sad deep down inside.
tho happy it finished..
part of me yearns to continue still.
tmr.. yet another 10 lessons end.

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.
i leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye, goodbye.


another is...
dunno how to put it. only know...
i feel so helpless and useless when it happens...
feels like its my fault? my inability to help.
it hurts me, pains me and breaks my heart.
to see dat im unable to make this poor soul feel better, improve n gain confidence.
to see efforts but nth back in return.
to see spirits dampened, broken, shattered.

i think i try i ponder i analyse.
but i dont know what i can do!
nth helps.
tell me what to say.
give me the words.
words of encouragement to juz lift his spirits.
to bring him back to himself.

deep in thoughts...
i find a way. i think of ways.
i think of why. find out why.
what to do. how to go about it.
whats the plan now?!

just like what my friend told me..

in the heart of a teacher...

even if the whole class is able to give u distinctions except one student.. ultimately its still that one student which matters.

thinking... y issit that i cant seem to help him? all but that one? why.

deep down inside my heart cries for u.
silly.
i even shed tears.

anyhows..
juz wanna say..
tho i dont know how.
neither can i say i understand how u feel...
coz i know i can nv do so entirely.
i still wanna tell you...
i'll be there for you.
i'll support you.
ultimately... i believe in God.
may He be your pillar of strength.
have faith. be strong. you can do it!

20 questions

im feeling bored... n dun feel like sleeping coz i slept in the afternoon between facil n tuition. hehx.

so here goes anl's tagged questionaire...

Instructions:
Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

Questions:

1. What disappoints you the most?
hmm. i guess when i find out someone cheats on me esp in relationships ba.

2. Where will you go if someone sponsors you a tour ticket?
tour ticket onlyyyy??? no use la.. still got lodging n misc funds howw?? not enough. hahahaha.
ok la. venice i think. venice is so beautifulll..

3. What's your favorite thing to do?
hmm.. got alot leh. gott..... slacking around w friends chatting n having fun at the beach / anywhere else all the way to baking cheesecakes n eating...

4. Do you think money can buy happiness?
well.. mayb buy me things that can make me happy momentarily... yes.

5. If you can have one dream to come true, what would it be?
huh. i dunno. too many dreams i guess. hehx

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
well.. if someone provides for me... i guess so. or if im supplied food water n shelter for free! haha...

7. What's the most regretful thing that you've done before?
hmm. i guess nth ba. coz.. i'll regret.. n then somehow make up for it.. n no more regrets!
ehh... but mayb i juz cant think of it now. hahahaa...

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
save it up for sth impt in the future. n probably give the bulk of it to my parents.

9. What is the most embarrassing thing that happened to you recently?
hmm. i think its answering one of my students' question.. on translating sth. grr.

11. What makes you happy?
too many to name. but the obvious will b family n friends. love. food. appreciation.

12. What type of person do you hate the most?
someone who irritates me?

13. Where do you see yourself 10 years down the road?
in singapore? lol. ok. erm.. a happy family w my beloved n kids n my parents n kor n his wife n family?

14. If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
nth. i wanna b normal human being.. coz w great powers lies great responsibility.

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Love. all kinds.. family friends

16. What do you do when you're alone?
think n ponder n reflect n chill

17. If you have a chance, which part of your character would you like to change?
not sure.

18. One word to describe yourself.
unpredictable.

19. What is your least favourite animal?
cockroaches. ok dats not an animal. but who cares its a living thing.

20. How are you feeling now?
tired i guess.

I've tagged:
amelia
tian

thats bout it la. dunno who else. haha...

went blog hopping today.
trying to get in touch w ppl's lives since ive got some time now..

its the MYE!
jiayou my dear dear students / tutees.
tho i think only 1 of the above will see this.
but yup.. thanks to mye.. my pace of life has kinda slowed a lil?
yeahhh. some breathing space n time for myself.
plus some stress. hehx.

anyways... bout the blog hopping....
blogs r good coz it helps u keep in touch w ppl.
as long as they update la of coz.

found out some stuff..
my friends are... either...
slogging away in various jobs
enjoying their work
wanting to change jobs
slog till they sick
slacking
worried bout uni applications coz no confirmations
worried bout interviews / went for them
got confirmations to various places..
enjoying life

one thing which i realised...
not juz recently... but quite long ago is..
tho i really love my job. have fun. together w some frustrations.
lots of laughter. joy. quite abit of OT.
LOVE my students / tutees...
im pretty much alone!!
ahhh. everyone has got colleagues!
but i? nope.
okay. yes i do... but well..
i see them like say once a week?
talk a lil / dun talk at all..
even if i talk to them.. i pretty much cant remb their names. hehx
sometimes not even their faces...
sorry. but.... not really my fault la.
amount of time spent w them each meetup = bout 5 min or less
n sometimes theres like random new faces... coz relief a teacher?
then those i see for a longer period... i meet them so rarely!
or rather... it depends on my assignments when i do get to meet them.
ah well.

all in all...
i wanna say..
i miss school actually.
routine. many many friends to do many many stuff w u..
work is v different.
walk off by urself.. meals urself.. sit ard by urself waiting for the time.
but i love working too.
coz each day brings me new surprises. new experiences.
new weird speech ive invented. new methods. new things to learn!

well... IM TAKING A BREAK TOMORROW!
from the usual sat day rush. thats y im here.
for those who know bout the movie date...
im not going for movie. coz of many many reasons.
tho im pretty much free this sat..
sorry.

i close my eyes n drift off to a world by myself...
rest now my dear.