final crit was over yest! yays. happy. 1 down. plus more rest. yays.

BUT.

bad news for me.
bad bad bad.

i found out on sunday that theres a possibility theres a best friend who knows it.
so yest. i asked. n there u go. [of coz w convincing done... i managed to dig some info out n confirm]
n i thought. YAYS. 1 guessing problem out of the way.
juz need to b natural. pretend nth. dont give wrong signs.
n ask him to help me dissuade him.
happiness. somewhat. that i could possibly have no more such probs.
or at least... a reduced form of it.


BUT NO! [if not this post wouldnt b here right. hahaa.]

presentation time...
panel said he shd b more bold in his work.
i heard that. i was like. hmm. ok. n also.. i was slightly worried.. will he b applying it... on not juz work?
i thot. nahh. cant be. he doesnt seem to b that kinda person.
so i ignored.



today.
received a msg asking how i was.
ok fine.
then he asked... if i wanted to watch a movie.
stunned. then said no.
he said mayb weekend.
im like... nooooo...................................................
ok. juz leave it as that...

online.
decided to seek help from the friend.
found out an unwanted truth.
"he decided to be bolder in his approach n towards u"
now. THAT is SCARY.
n judging from what is happening now.
i see... EVERYTHING FALLING INTO PLACE.
im afraid. very afraid.
if he pushes too hard.. i'll break n fall n cry.
i cant take such. esp after...
its freaky.

oh Lord, i pray that i can let go. n he'll let go of this.

online.
he asks if i'd like to go for lunch some place else tmr.
didnt say no. but juz left it as we'll see.

i dont know what to do.
all i know is.. he'll say it definitely.
i'll have to say so sooner or later.
i need to clarify.
BUT I REALLY CANNOT DO SUCH THINGS.
i feel really really evil n guilty.
its so horrible.
tell cannot. dont tell also cannot.
pls let it pause.
lets concentrate on our exams.

u'll make me cry.

they say its good to b loved.
i beg to differ.
to love n b loved...

its nice if its 2way.
1sided is tragic.

i love u. but not that way.
i show u care. but not coz of that.
i treat u nice. but i treat everyone the same.



Lord.
i pray for guidance.
for wisdom.
i know u cannot change human will.
but u can guide us.
u can guide me.
u r the potter. i m the clay.
my life is in ur hands.
strengthen me.
teach me.
things will work out.
amen.