some time ago,

my heart raced.

my heart skipped a beat,

many beats in fact.

you gave me a shock.

the sudden action.

you held my hand.

you held my hand.

no, you held my hand.

now why is that different?

it is different from others.

you held my hand.

i stared.

i stared at our hands.

i stared at you.

i repeated the actions.

i froze.

my heart raced.

my mind raced.

my mind went blank.

"so that's how it feels"

i thought.

"that's my first time"

"isn't it?"

"but no, that is strange"

"there's nothing."

"no feelings"

"it is the act of it"

strange huh.

the act.

just the act of it.

i wonder why.

i wonder if you knew.

i wonder if it was planned.

i wonder if it was so as you said.

i was scared.

it made me more scared.

but yes, reassuring too.

how strange.

till today i cannot comprehend it.

nothing changed.

but in that moment in time.

my heart leaped.

today i wish.

i wish something like that happens.

not you.

but the act.

it is strange.

i'd like to ask.

but i'm afraid.

afraid of the answer.

afraid of a miscommunication.

afraid of the consequences.

afraid of reality.

i want to know if you feel this way too.

or is that just me?

or i haven't realised

the actuality of the situation.

space.

space can mean many things really.

outer space.

breathing space.

matter takes up space.

architectural space.

writing space.

...

the list goes on.

sometimes i think and i wonder.

sometimes i long for things i don't have.

not so much of physical things, material things.

but the emotional kind.

i wonder really.

if such emotions are real.

whether i'm not the only one.

it's the kind of yearning for something that you know you don't get or won't get because of really simple obvious reasons.

and the yearning results in a deep sadness because such things just happen. you can't just go get it when you want it.

well.. i guess you can get it if you want... but that's not the sort i want. neither am i that sort.

i long for a touch.

i long for a hug.

i long for your time.

hello.

feels strange

kinda odd.

its been really long.

i need a space.

a space. not a 3d one.

maybe a 2d one.

virtual.. possibly.

i miss writing.

but theres no time?

i need better management definitely..

ok. i ought to do this.

i've been making random unwritten ones..

purely in the mind.. which often get lost in the busy-ness.

yes yes i know. its already february. but that shouldn't be a deciding factor.

so here goes..

in 2010. I WANT TO..

..walk closer with God, rely on Him, Believe in Him, have FAITH, be disciplined and make daily devotions and prayers a habit. i want to make time for Him.

..be self disciplined. no loitering around doing nothing. no facebooking. max 30min. no stoning/slacking/not doing anything productive.

..be focussed. do what ought to be done systematically.

..have better time management. keeping to the timings. be punctual. not be last minute.

..protect body. sleep. rest. care for my health and not neglect it. especially my eye. sleep. rest. i cannot stress the importance because my body is the temple of God.

..keep a healthy lifestyle. have a healthier weight. exercise.

2010.21st.2ndyear.2010.

in an instant

everything changes in an instant.

in an instant
we were friends

in an instant
we were best friends

in an instant
sch ended

in an instant
problems arose

in an instant
you were gone

in an instant
im shattered

aiiiii.
yest was a weird but happy day.


weird because you popped up.
how come?
i dont know.
you never fail to ruin my day.
or maybe...
i just think too much.
but then again...
the fact that you appeared in my thoughts,
the fact that i still get all sour because of it,
i really cant stand it.
why did you ever ever ever do this to me?
you really ought to vanish from my life.
because you never fail to jumble up my feelings..
again and again.




boy you make me so mad.
never again. i will not. i will not. i will not.
i'd like to lie to myself and believe in it.

oh plus i had a freaky weird dream the night before.
wonder why i've been dreaming so much lately.
hmm.. probably stressed.
so tired.

happy because of you.
you never fail to put a smile on my face.
sweet.

happy because of wedges.
wedges. the kind in that 50cents packet in my school not that long ago.
ohhh. the memories.
bliss.

its so earrrrllllyy.
n i wonder y im awake.

pf is boring.
cant stand it.

gek was better.
its over. (=

1 down!

after pf..
still got ar

i wonder how'd that'll be.




lately..
its been nice.

i wonder why.
i wonder how.

how could it be.
how could it be this way.

days go by...

you changed my
perception of things.

days go by.
i wonder why.

i want to go shopping

i want to go shopping.
its been like this since i dunno when.
when sch started?
mayb mid term.
i've been for random sprees in between.
i've bought stuff. [i cant believe it.]

gosh. my craving for shopping doesnt seem to curb. ahhaha.

I WANT TO GO SHOPPING!

sales everywhere.
christmas is coming.

exams for non uni students all ended / ending.
they can go shopping.

exams r here for me.
why why why.

lets go shopping.




to solve this. online shopping.
look. see. look. see. hahaha...


reminds me of my friend's tee:
"when the going gets tough, the tough goes shopping!"
heehee..

final crit was over yest! yays. happy. 1 down. plus more rest. yays.

BUT.

bad news for me.
bad bad bad.

i found out on sunday that theres a possibility theres a best friend who knows it.
so yest. i asked. n there u go. [of coz w convincing done... i managed to dig some info out n confirm]
n i thought. YAYS. 1 guessing problem out of the way.
juz need to b natural. pretend nth. dont give wrong signs.
n ask him to help me dissuade him.
happiness. somewhat. that i could possibly have no more such probs.
or at least... a reduced form of it.


BUT NO! [if not this post wouldnt b here right. hahaa.]

presentation time...
panel said he shd b more bold in his work.
i heard that. i was like. hmm. ok. n also.. i was slightly worried.. will he b applying it... on not juz work?
i thot. nahh. cant be. he doesnt seem to b that kinda person.
so i ignored.



today.
received a msg asking how i was.
ok fine.
then he asked... if i wanted to watch a movie.
stunned. then said no.
he said mayb weekend.
im like... nooooo...................................................
ok. juz leave it as that...

online.
decided to seek help from the friend.
found out an unwanted truth.
"he decided to be bolder in his approach n towards u"
now. THAT is SCARY.
n judging from what is happening now.
i see... EVERYTHING FALLING INTO PLACE.
im afraid. very afraid.
if he pushes too hard.. i'll break n fall n cry.
i cant take such. esp after...
its freaky.

oh Lord, i pray that i can let go. n he'll let go of this.

online.
he asks if i'd like to go for lunch some place else tmr.
didnt say no. but juz left it as we'll see.

i dont know what to do.
all i know is.. he'll say it definitely.
i'll have to say so sooner or later.
i need to clarify.
BUT I REALLY CANNOT DO SUCH THINGS.
i feel really really evil n guilty.
its so horrible.
tell cannot. dont tell also cannot.
pls let it pause.
lets concentrate on our exams.

u'll make me cry.

they say its good to b loved.
i beg to differ.
to love n b loved...

its nice if its 2way.
1sided is tragic.

i love u. but not that way.
i show u care. but not coz of that.
i treat u nice. but i treat everyone the same.



Lord.
i pray for guidance.
for wisdom.
i know u cannot change human will.
but u can guide us.
u can guide me.
u r the potter. i m the clay.
my life is in ur hands.
strengthen me.
teach me.
things will work out.
amen.

sigh sigh. need to blog.
haha. too many things preoccupying my mind.
its faster to type out, n then, i think, mayb, i can let it go.

theres so many things i really dont get.
theres this big big big question. WHY. WHY with a big bold question mark.
plus this other side line.. how come?

the things that r happening now r just confusing.
the responses, the actions.

its like...
why r u so nice to me?
can u just dont be so nice to me?
why r u doing this?
can u just stop it sometimes? tho i know it'll become wierd. n i'll b pretty sad. tho thats what i want.

you

why u?

why do things always happen upside down?

the similarities, the things u do.
sometimes i just cant understand, cant take it.
if i tell u... u'll understand. n u'd listen.
but its pretty odd to stop. its actually such a normal thing to do. but i dont know y i draw the relations. i dont know why it juz sticks to me. ingrained in my brain. hurting me sometimes..

so many misconceptions, misunderstandings, misinterpretations.
makes things awkward sometimes.
it leads me to think... why m i doing this? shd i be doing this?
then ur reaction to it. or rather ur lack of response? seems odd to me.

then again.. back to y r u so nice to me?
to a point where i cant understand.
its so very odd.
or m i thinking too much.
oh gosh. i guess its too much for me to take.

im weird.

who in the world complains when someone is nice to u.

but then again. u r weird.

can u not be so nice to me?

haha. im not making sense.

n im not being coherent here. haha.

i cant take the nice-ness, the concern, the things u do.
its nice.
but far too nice?



or maybe...

im just... scared. paranoid.

is it.. coz of u?
WHY r u still a burden?
will i ever ever ever forget?
will i ever ever ever not b impacted by u ever ever again?
u hurt me so.

mayb i shd just stop thinking, stop remembering, stop drawing connections.
i think too much into things.
im just emo.