hello.
today. ok, maybe yesterday.
we did what we've been doing.
it feels wrong really.
but its feels so good.

and i (maybe we) just can't help it.

but.....

we really shouldn't huh? :(

i realise.

day by day...

i'm falling.

falling deeper and deeper.

so much so that...

i can't stop myself anymore.

teach me.

how do i

stop this.

to stop this feeling i feel.

so that i can...

not feel this guilt, this pain.

i think i

am becoming

more and more

addicted to

you

i can't help

really can't

stop thinking

and wanting

you

i know it

is not love

but it is

also not

anymore

i can't

differentiate

and i can't

not wonder

if i would

fall

i really

wish i could

stop myself

having this

feeling

i desire

and i get jealous

and i get bitter

and i get stuck in this rut

i recall back and i'd say

"don't go. stay. don't go. don't leave me."

you'd say

"i'm here. i'll always be here."

but i know

in the end

you won't.

i wonder how you are.

every time i worry about you.

you make me worry you know?

you said you'll call.

i've yet to hear from you.

and so i worry.

boy, you make me think of you all the time.

each time you call,

you put a smile on my face.

every time you'd say you'd call,

i'll wait for it.

and you'd keep me waiting.

disappointing me most of the time.

but when you finally do,

i become an idiot, smiling again.

but i know this ain't love.

because i know i don't love you.

i just... feel happy with you.

my best friend.

and i love you.

because you are my best friend.

some time ago,

my heart raced.

my heart skipped a beat,

many beats in fact.

you gave me a shock.

the sudden action.

you held my hand.

you held my hand.

no, you held my hand.

now why is that different?

it is different from others.

you held my hand.

i stared.

i stared at our hands.

i stared at you.

i repeated the actions.

i froze.

my heart raced.

my mind raced.

my mind went blank.

"so that's how it feels"

i thought.

"that's my first time"

"isn't it?"

"but no, that is strange"

"there's nothing."

"no feelings"

"it is the act of it"

strange huh.

the act.

just the act of it.

i wonder why.

i wonder if you knew.

i wonder if it was planned.

i wonder if it was so as you said.

i was scared.

it made me more scared.

but yes, reassuring too.

how strange.

till today i cannot comprehend it.

nothing changed.

but in that moment in time.

my heart leaped.

today i wish.

i wish something like that happens.

not you.

but the act.

it is strange.

i'd like to ask.

but i'm afraid.

afraid of the answer.

afraid of a miscommunication.

afraid of the consequences.

afraid of reality.

i want to know if you feel this way too.

or is that just me?

or i haven't realised

the actuality of the situation.

space.

space can mean many things really.

outer space.

breathing space.

matter takes up space.

architectural space.

writing space.

...

the list goes on.

sometimes i think and i wonder.

sometimes i long for things i don't have.

not so much of physical things, material things.

but the emotional kind.

i wonder really.

if such emotions are real.

whether i'm not the only one.

it's the kind of yearning for something that you know you don't get or won't get because of really simple obvious reasons.

and the yearning results in a deep sadness because such things just happen. you can't just go get it when you want it.

well.. i guess you can get it if you want... but that's not the sort i want. neither am i that sort.

i long for a touch.

i long for a hug.

i long for your time.

hello.

feels strange

kinda odd.

its been really long.

i need a space.

a space. not a 3d one.

maybe a 2d one.

virtual.. possibly.

i miss writing.

but theres no time?

i need better management definitely..

ok. i ought to do this.

i've been making random unwritten ones..

purely in the mind.. which often get lost in the busy-ness.

yes yes i know. its already february. but that shouldn't be a deciding factor.

so here goes..

in 2010. I WANT TO..

..walk closer with God, rely on Him, Believe in Him, have FAITH, be disciplined and make daily devotions and prayers a habit. i want to make time for Him.

..be self disciplined. no loitering around doing nothing. no facebooking. max 30min. no stoning/slacking/not doing anything productive.

..be focussed. do what ought to be done systematically.

..have better time management. keeping to the timings. be punctual. not be last minute.

..protect body. sleep. rest. care for my health and not neglect it. especially my eye. sleep. rest. i cannot stress the importance because my body is the temple of God.

..keep a healthy lifestyle. have a healthier weight. exercise.

2010.21st.2ndyear.2010.

in an instant

everything changes in an instant.

in an instant
we were friends

in an instant
we were best friends

in an instant
sch ended

in an instant
problems arose

in an instant
you were gone

in an instant
im shattered

aiiiii.
yest was a weird but happy day.


weird because you popped up.
how come?
i dont know.
you never fail to ruin my day.
or maybe...
i just think too much.
but then again...
the fact that you appeared in my thoughts,
the fact that i still get all sour because of it,
i really cant stand it.
why did you ever ever ever do this to me?
you really ought to vanish from my life.
because you never fail to jumble up my feelings..
again and again.




boy you make me so mad.
never again. i will not. i will not. i will not.
i'd like to lie to myself and believe in it.

oh plus i had a freaky weird dream the night before.
wonder why i've been dreaming so much lately.
hmm.. probably stressed.
so tired.

happy because of you.
you never fail to put a smile on my face.
sweet.

happy because of wedges.
wedges. the kind in that 50cents packet in my school not that long ago.
ohhh. the memories.
bliss.

its so earrrrllllyy.
n i wonder y im awake.

pf is boring.
cant stand it.

gek was better.
its over. (=

1 down!

after pf..
still got ar

i wonder how'd that'll be.




lately..
its been nice.

i wonder why.
i wonder how.

how could it be.
how could it be this way.

days go by...

you changed my
perception of things.

days go by.
i wonder why.

i want to go shopping

i want to go shopping.
its been like this since i dunno when.
when sch started?
mayb mid term.
i've been for random sprees in between.
i've bought stuff. [i cant believe it.]

gosh. my craving for shopping doesnt seem to curb. ahhaha.

I WANT TO GO SHOPPING!

sales everywhere.
christmas is coming.

exams for non uni students all ended / ending.
they can go shopping.

exams r here for me.
why why why.

lets go shopping.




to solve this. online shopping.
look. see. look. see. hahaha...


reminds me of my friend's tee:
"when the going gets tough, the tough goes shopping!"
heehee..